Ok i know my last post was all positive, well this one is not.
I feel like a failure, I have withdrawn from my course as i was finding it too stressful. I feel like I am am failure as a mother and that I am a failure as a wife and home maker.
I don't feel that I am contributing to society or my family in any way. I have no qualifications or prospects. I don't work and nor do i want to, in some boring 9-5 retail job with no joy.
I don't know who I am or where I am going. We stared going to church but I am not getting it. I am not getting it at all. I feel no different at all.
I hate my style as I don't have one. I don't know what i like, I don't have any beliefs, any goals.
I just feel like I am avoiding my life, I am avoiding all life really. I am doing anything I can to avoid living at all costs.
Not sure where to go or how to change. Just wish I could wake up one day and know who I was and where I was going. A sense of purpose and meaning. A real zest for life and living. A hunger a yearning anything is better than this.
I exist, I stagnante, I escape.
I feel like you took the words out of my mouth. I am not living, I am merely existing. It won't change either until I can pin point that thing I need to do.
ReplyDeleteI'm putting my thinking cap on.
ReplyDeleteThere is a solution, I know it.
If your current church isn't working for you, try another in your town. One Anglican church is very different from another and I am sure the same is true for all denominations. If Christianity isn't really your thing, explore other alternatives...
Off to think, I'll be back!
I can sympathize with you to be feeling like that- to be stuck in a rut and not able to get out.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a cliche, but I just wanted to remind you: It's always darkest before the dawn. It always hurts the most before you're about to breakthrough. The hardest part of the climb is before the summit. Everyone has been where you are, even if they say they haven't. Some days we should congratulate ourselves for just keeping on walking. These times may be awful and full of despair but "this to shall pass". Keep your chin up and know you are loved and special - even if you can't feel or believe it.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling this way at the moment. Sometimes being a wife, Mum, daughter, sister and friend can be hard. I find it hard being a Mum and sometimes, very un-rewarding.
ReplyDeleteBut after reading your posts, I think you maybe doing too many new things all at once and because its all so overwhelming and hard to juggle, it feels like you are failing.
My friend recently reminded me, that when I felt like I wasn't achieving anything to write a daily list. And remember to write down all the things I had achieved that day-the things that are part of our day that we don't count as part of our day! Big or small. On really busy days if I get the dishes done, the kids dressed and have a shower on top of all of the daily chores/errands, then its a good day!
May I also suggest a visit to the doctors. A chat about what you are feeling and what is happening just makes you feel better! Sometimes medication isn't the fix you need, its just time and a chat.
What's the rush? Why do you need to do all these things at once? Do you see others that do it all? Because it may look like that on the outside to the world, but I bet the have a hidden pile of washing or yesterdays dishes are still sitting on the sink.
I did't have qualifications, but I had a career in retail, and got qualifications while I was there, through the business. I was good at it, got paid well and made the best of what I had. Every day was different and had its own set of challenges and rewards.
Good luck to you, I hope you find your way out of this rut soon- because its only you that can change it...PERSPECTIVE...
I know the place you are coming from and it gets better, but not by itself. You need to find the thing that makes YOU happy.
ReplyDeleteStep back and look at your life (piece by piece) decide what you want to change/do and change/do it one thing at a time. Baby steps.
xx
Thank you all very much for your comments. It means a lot :o)
ReplyDelete